sharing

I'm completely witless right now with a ton on my mind so I'll just share some stress.... I wrote this last week it doesn't feel much better. Enjoy.

The things I have been told to do in this life
go on on on on, on and on it’s amazing.
Write the next great American novel;
well I can’t because everyone else has been writing that book
since before I was born and I have no desire to
because well frankly I was told too.
I know the things I have told people to do
and there is a long list of the things
that I know I said were complete lies;
because I always like to start with I won’t ever ask you to do something I myself wouldn't commit to.
Well in honesty I never committed to myself so how could I commit to someone else?
I cannot be “real”
because the only person who I have ever been completely honest with
never existed
and
that is myself.
I live in a place of convoluted consciousness and I have no clue which way is up
I produce a stream of words that let me breath upon occasion
and it lets me see the distance places
I really never could have been
but realizing where I am
makes me just a-as fucking confused
because every where I go there I am but no one I see or know is ever really with me me,
me ,
m e.... me.
Mostly this is because I know it isn’t me
it is parts of me
and the sum of its parts
is always greater than anything I guess....
so if I added all the moments
where everyone had some piece of me where i was real and someone saw right through to me which i hope someone did and not just in that moment but really, really saw me.
i am scribbling in here
talking about me  
and me  
and i and us and they and me and them and me who i was who was and isn’t but could really really try to be out there.
I am in one place at all times
and the things that bring me there are never good for me
because I’m realizing that the chemical make up in this situation is beautifully flawed....
i get keys and stations and leveling up in places that never mattered to me
I am an awe struck reflection of the people who i really really want to be.....
i will bring out the best in you to dwarf the ugliness in me.

i know you all want to love and see and believe i can do it all on my own, say i am worth it and move on....
but this love sick prose poetry i am writing in letters and novels of words I restrain all the time
because i want to really believe the beauty in me is just as ugly as i see in the patterns of the world
if we all just loved something....
for once....
and not someone...
not anyone.
not any real thing... because in the end
this is all fleeting
so the love is just as amazing
as it never could be
because you really really wanted tooo when you looked in the mirror...
i am constantly mourning the situations that never were...
not because i am sad or have a desire to be morose
but because i cant see down that road  
but i will dream it as i make the best of this moment
it is the love that never started
or the punch that never flew
it was the death i was never granted
and the Harmony that still echos..
because i am watching and imagining the the things that just are,.............
dot
dot
dot dot dot d otd  
do dttt d o t
i am waiting and watching from within myself or what we can agree is this self. i simply i

Family time.

Coming from a large and yet very isolated family means a lot things. Mostly that there is a group a people who are out there that you need to be aware of for a variety of reasons. First and foremost you don't want to be the person sitting at a large party and trying to figure out who you are and aren't related too. Seriously this happened to me twice. Needless to say after about the 3rd time you say how about that one. You just resign yourself to to be being related to everyone and just get drunk. You tend to learn to ask if this is a "family party" (and not family like my friends use the term but actual blood/marriage relations)  then be forward enough to ask who are the eligible victims.
Secondly being isolated from the major group means events like the one previously mentioned but also that you make create a new family/families.Some will call it building communities and what not but I really look at it as family you are responsible to them after yourself. I have been a lucky bastard in that respect because a lot of people around me share the same sentiment. It may be that we became isolated from the larger groups for any variety of reasons and here amongst each other we are finding the roles being played/filled by a group of people we never knew existed but always wanted and are now able to appreciate.  I write a ton of things mostly in reaction to events and stress.

I'm late

For being a daily project I sure am unable to keep it consistent. Although if I could quote Sparkles "It's ok you're just consistently inconsistent." Yups, that makes me feel better. In the least I am now prepared with multiple tools to plot this thing out. This post was going to be called "Rockabilly Princess" so lets just turn the dial back three days; Tuesday evening the sun's almost gone and I'm waiting on a bus. (Thankfully not like the Violent Femmes song) Unless you're completely self involved and busy it's sunset in so-cal always a pretty time of day....
If one thing is constant in my life it is transcendence, the one thing thing since childhood. I have always been working for change shifting growing in some form or degree. Honestly I was just a weird kid who became a weird adult & I'm doing my best at making it sound cool. (Is it working?)
So as I take on my homeward commute today (don't forget it's still Tuesday sunset, so-cal yadda yadda yadda) as I step on the bus what do I see, nothing but the best sight for a long ride. (Well at least in my eyes.) A cute Betty pretty enough to be Rockabilly Royalty straight from the cookie cutter & onto a pinup page. Head to toe the Rosie the riveter bandana, two tone Atomic Cherry red hair with the black streaks complete with Betty Paige bangs, clean make up long lashes & black eyeliner. Gauged out ears and Monroe piercing shimmering like you needs something else to catch our eye. Grey cardigan complete with T.S.O.L. patch capris that could be body paint or a censored version of my imagination.
Now the most artistic thing I have going for me is slapping a few words together but lil' miss could be a Neo Elvgren, Frush or a Spoelstra in the right get up. Now all women should be worshiped in my opinion. Not sanctified or romanticized (they're all crazy & men are no better) but worshiped. Yet something gets me every time I see a Rockabilly Princess maybe it's just the idea she'll cut me just as soon as she'd cut some rug with me....

Random

A million things run through my mind as I follow my commute every day. As it stands I spend almost 4 hours a day between mass transit and walking, it isn't the best transit system in the country but I make it work for me. I do my best to keep myself entertained on multiple levels from committing to "Schizophonia", reading, practicing my skills of observation as well as creating random back stories for the people who are on the go. Of course this all has to be compliant with my fledgling states of o.c.d.. I would break down my habits but really I know I am weird enough already. The few things I am constantly observing are people from the "Walk/Transit of Shame" people, students, homeless, addicts, hookers (on day shift or wrapping up the graveyard).
What keeps me going back (other than a lack of personal transportation) is really an interesting exercise especially when I have a clear line of sight to someone particularly attractive or interesting looking. I start hoping they are going to be more than just spacing out. Watching someone obsess over their cell phone as they proceed with every non verbal cue and communication as they read their messages is hilarious. Inverse to that is watching someone over accentuate their extremely loud conversation with massive flailing of their arms and practical convulsions as they carry on a conversation. Which makes me want to hog tie them and make them use a hands free device.
My favorite inadvertent conversation was with a 75 yr old Eastern European (It was either Serbia or Czech Republic) gentleman who began to chastise the people around him for using their electronic devices. He just went on and on. Mostly how we were destroying the beauty in life by being completely self absorbed. Since I had a good 30 min left on my commute I engaged him. It was fascinating hearing the stories of transit in Eastern Europe and his early experiences in the US. It boiled down to how he was frustrated that he couldn't get anyone's attention to ask the time. It was kind of extreme to needing to know you were already a half hour late but the guy made my day.

Introduction

This is my personal experiment to really just put something together and express the day to day events that transpire. Some days with more embellishment than others although each and every day I have try to really just take things as they are. So rightfully I should provide the usual suspects in my life; in no particular order:

Sparkles- aka the unwanted/unintentional/adopted sister I could never live without. She is the Yang to my proverbial Yin.
Herr Doktor/HD- a capitalistic hippy who thanks to Sparkles I met many years ago and has been an amazing influence and wonder in my existence.
Reyna/Queeny- My performance Artist, Friend, Healer, Teacher and Bestie Sans Testis (to manipulate her phrase).
VMK- my sister in arms and only person who shares my general taste for the world without her I wouldn't have made it these last 2 yrs.
The Suit- business owner and personal motivation guru if you are ever out of sorts he will give you a path/mission/direction you may walk away wondering wtf that was about but he gets the job done basic 3 topics cars, cash and women.
Jewels (The Suits Wife)- Avid reader and jewelery maker great worker, creator, mind and voice of reason.
Inks- Personal tattoo artist and friend love this guy I would whore myself out to get this mans work circulated when he puts more than 3 hours of effort into his art.
Odie (Inks Significant Other)- My wonderful co-worker she is a ray of sunshine. (I actually feel bad being my uncensored self around her).
The Goat- Roommate financial wizard, logistics, computer, mechanical wizard former gymnast and fitness trainer. The guy will kill you while explaining cell division in cancer cells after cooking you a 5 star meal and putting you through hell at the gym. I can say I could actually fear him.
Sibling- My only immediate blood relative. Source of joy and frustration.
Parental- My mother what is there to say, I am a mommas boy at heart. Only I am allowed to trash talk my mother and well since I need a forum to do it so she won't attempt to stab me again this is it.

There are more I am sure and I will add them in as it comes into view over time. This will not follow any regular time line. As I will be jumping around from events passed and current regularly. Let see if this makes any sense at all happy reading.