Day 1 "writing challenge"

Mi Chiquilla: If you took/take anything away from this experience. I hope it's this quote.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you NOT to be?

You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us: IT'S IN EVERYONE.

And as we let our own light shine.

We consciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear.

Our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson

You truly are an amazing and wonderful woman who deserves so much more than general contentment.

My sisters: Herr Doktor, Rayita, Death and Sparkles. You're the most important people in my life. There are 4 of you now and I cannot express the deep gratitude and love I have for your patience, understanding and love. I know I am not easily tolerated. (this counts as 4 people)

Mom: seriously I'll get better and I am working on it.

Dad: it's ok. I'm ok.

Vietmyknees: You have changed my life and attitude many times. Your endless hope in me is something I can never repay.

Suit: Seriously, I need classes thank you for your endless insight and faith.

Joe: anytime broheim, anytime. Call and I'm omw I cannot repay you ever.

10 days....

Directions by day:

Day One: 10 things you want to say to 10 different people right now.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).

Day Seven: Four turn-offs.

Day Eight: Three turn-ons.

Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

Day Ten: One confession.

This will be interesting. I'll start tonight.

I

I am... so many things. Of those things defeated is never an option. Moving on, maybe this will become far more fun again.

Also maybe I can put some effort into making this coherent and not about some random word vomit of spectral emotions. Jesus those suck. (ok not really, but really.)

Midnight anxiety

Nothing, or better no similar thing I've found rakes me over coals (hot, flaming, horrid coals) like uncertainty. Not knowing what something is will destroy me. I can accept many things and I can change or work towards infinite goals but when I'm left to dry alone. I die. What anyone would wish upon their enemies, the suffering, the agony. It is all here in my mind. No amount of physical pain compares to what slow grinding wheels reside in me.
I constantly quote "Pain is a requirement, suffering it's optional." so yes, I'm in pain. Yes, I am suffering. I am choosing it. I am actively hurting myself. I know better I can help myself and here I am. Is it pride? Is it... I'm still here still awake and those nagging, unending, sea of thoughts are reflecting things like a fun house mirror.
Some place is a harbour and I will find a light. The question will my pride drown me?

When I talk to you

I am writing for the time, for the time allotted, for the time in question, for the places and people of the things I have seen and really just to make some noise on this thing. I never learned how to have a quiet conversation. My words can be soft and at times very firm. So when I get to this place where I have this thing in front of me I become noisy, very, very noisy. It is a clatter, a clacking, a drumming and cacophony of sounds like the echoing silence in my mind. Here it manifests and comes together like a porridge of letters slightly unseasoned and very unsuitable for the palette just yet. There will be refinements, there will be time, well maybe there will be time. Mostly you just have to sop it down and move along with your life. Be accepting. Today I learned that I should resist nothing. That is a horrible lesson as I resists everything. My simple nature is to resist everything. Maybe because so much was about being accepting and being told what can and cannot be. I only wanted to make something and I still do. What I want to make will invariably change, because I no longer want to make these things with a you. I want to make those things with and for myself. If I only heeded words fostered upon me from what seems like ages ago. I could be a much better person. Not that I am bad but I am very much behind the curve of the person who spoke to me.

~~She no longer does.~~

That simple line is a quiet fitting. Hell, I think should I ever have a headstone that should be my epitaph. It should just read my info and then “SHE NO LONGER DOES”. Cryptic but true, poignant, soft and merciless. In my life she no longer does. Any of them or she, as the joke runs today "I am being exceptionally male". I am not in line with my inner goddess all I want is to be a man but there is such a fluid line for me. From what I am and are supposed to be, with how I was raised and what I have seen.

Point, point, point, there are lots of phrases that I have not told you about. The new her, only the things that make me sick with the illness. The things that churn my mind and heart into a large cauldron of word vomit. Not the words she inspires or the feelings that make me admire her, but only the things that drive me insane because I do not want to hold the insanity. I have been with her too long and she should be free and want to be rid of me.

No, the words of caring, the words of compassion, the moments where you opened yourself in some form of reviled openness and weakness. As if stating this is just bullshit, move along nothing to see here. It is just some bodies and pain, the exhibit is over there. Directing me and guiding me to something new, but I wanted to linger. I wanted to place a coin in their mouths to appease the dead man on the river. To hold its hand and tell them they'd be well. No, I am being moved along and some times things are very clear. A lot of times things are muddy and painful. I never wanted to see with this eye, because I only wanted to be me and that eye and those lessons were too much of them. So now I sit and draw things in my mind and realize, it isn't you any more it is some thing or someone else. I will/may never know who that person is and these things may never again be so personal; but I will try and I will err and I go, but not on some march or pain just to go because my ride is to... just. keep. going.

Post:

Tell you a story, I'll tell you what I see in the mirror. On days like these I find out I am looking way too hard. 

back..again.

I am not writing for you, I am only writing.

I cannot, better said we cannot define anything by what it isn't. We can eliminate all things piece by piece with little to no information until there is nothing left. I was once a person of nothings or of little things. I became so entrenched in those nothings that I find myself as nothing. I have no stories nothing new to say nothing to report the adventure has ended. Not for lack of desire although that is settling in nicely, it is for lack of mobility. I wanted so much in those times, I wanted so much to be done for myself and for others and for others through myself. I gave and gave and gave and then I took, I took, took and took from others. From people who had nothing to do with the things I gave, I don't know if I was giving to those. I only know it feels like I was left with a debt once again. This debt to others and not myself. I lay here another person, slightly broken and probably defeated, not to the end. I have not given up but I realize that there still isn't enough me in the space I inhabit to be a person. Do I need more space? Do I want more space, is there even a difference in the space that was? Could it be that the hollowness of it, is what is giving off this sense of grand emptiness? 

This is just another beginning.....