Is this cheating probably
since it is more of a caption than it is an image? It is so simple
and as a practice, I have been spending more time choosing my words
carefully and being mindful of their intent. I used to be that person
who you couldn’t say “Hello” to without me plotting the
inflection points and the pitch with which you said it. To determine
the 13 or 14 possible meanings behind “Hello”, hell I still do
it. The only difference is I do not spend my time obsessing over it
with everyone. Now I reserve that instinct for the people who have a
track record that would require it.
This is much more difficult
to turn off than it may seem. I used to spend a million thoughts trying to please and find the perfect pitch for something and
someone. I would sit and wrestle with it and what I knew of the
person. So much time spent and effort exerted to be perfectly amiable
and accepting for them and myself. In other words I tried too damn
hard. I still do when I think someone is worth it. It is second
nature really, to do those things.
Except it isn’t so much
about them it is about myself, I self define by work. How I work, not
so much what I do is where it comes from. I am amazed that people can
completely skip the effort it takes to properly communicate in
society today. There was a skill an art to speaking, conversation,
courting and plain expression. We have become so informal that even
expressing something simple and respectful of each other; has turned
into another Ferris Wheel of lights and buzzers, just so that the
person across from you can even see that it means something. Granted
I am on the lyrical sometimes poetic part of verse with my words. I
like to think that there isn’t a whole lot of room for
interpretation if you are reading it through and thinking about it.
That is the problem though a lot of us don’t, we start reading
something and some gremlin, some version of self doubt or some old
scar just starts to hurt. Which means we go from “OK let’s see
what this is” to “Oh hell no! This MoFO!”
Even when I shoot from the
gut I am telling the truth now. Although shooting from the gut makes
me much more open to compromise. So it is good thing? (It must be
that whole, “still trying to please people” aspect.) This is the
thing we are all dealing with, life in our boxes and the shit we keep
in our boxes is just that, shit. The worst part is that there are
different kinds! Some runny, some thick, some of it just slick
meanwhile it just coats everything. The good, the bad, the
indifferent, so the good becomes either indifferent or slides all the
way to bad when we are not mindful. The Indifferent may stay, just
smelly and indifferent but it makes you uncomfortable. The bad, now
the bad when becomes covered in the rest of that other crap it
becomes horrid.
I'd like to think that a lot
of people say exactly what they mean but it is more than my suspicion
that prevents me from believing it. In the end none of us really know a damn thing about the person across from us. It boils down to how
much we want and are able to care for them. So it is about caring
caring about them about ourselves. Ultimately caring about expressing
ourselves to that person. Realizing that they meant what they said
one minute and knowing how to interpret what they are not saying the
next.
I just hope it gets better
for all of us. That we get better for ourselves.
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