Signs

Some days we just lock out and run through our days like nothing else on the planet could possibly be going on. Well I know I do. It isn't as if we become inconsiderate or do not notice people or things, it just becomes a day/week/month where we start chipping away at the small things in life. The hard part is those little bastards all start to add up.

At some point we may come around and realize just how much time has been run down and time is the only thing we will spend and never really save. We all have different reactions once we come around. I know I started just looking at things, some times recognizing possibilities and signs. Signs within myself and at times within others. Over all I am good at catching patterns, in people and in my surroundings. I can tune in and out sometimes with ease others with a hammer but I will catch the wave eventually.

Lately I have been asking for a signs, looking for something to give me a direction. I suck at picking directions. I fight everything, every. god. damn. thing. I fight for the sake of fighting, and when I am not fighting I am being cavil. I have found myself working to keeping it in line which means more silence. I will not lie the sheer volume of noise in my brain is overwhelming. The sad part it is, that it is just that. Noise, unending, unyielding, rubbish. Don't get me wrong if you aren't the type to feel umbrage quickly and aren't too prudish I can be fairly entertaining. Where was I (see noise it flows freely) oh yes, asking for signs...

Signs are things that just seem to reoccur until we get the hint unless we are lucky enough to have someone just peg us on the damn head. I had that happen today. I was focused on having something show up to give me an outlet or just a direction. I suck at picking directions but give me a destination and I will get there no problems. OK, some problems but probably because I stopped to stare at a bird, dig in the dirt, help someone move and then remembered that I had a purpose. (much like me writing these) So, yes I had a lovely sign but my dumb ass did the complete opposite of what is my nature. Well no it was completely natural. I got my sign/direction and then either from being fearful or subconsciously cavil I asked for directions... (face palm) I have to remember that there are times and places that when you need to ask for directions you haven't earned your place yet. So I am going to plan this out and find a way of making it work. Maybe I will be granted enough grace to be featured.

Who knows. Wish me luck and sacrifice a goat...

(I was so tempted to just stick Ace of Base's "I saw the sign" as a link but no. If you want take your silly ass to youtube and play it.)

Day 9... the end.

This piece Titled "Nobody Weird Like Me" by graffiti artist Levi C. Which to me is obviously heavily influenced by Magrittes "The Son of Man"

I have stared at this for hours, countless hours, for several years, probably a decade or more. So the hours and minutes that I have spent with this image are immense. There is a lot that I identify with here or I believe is there. Solid lines, bleeding edges, the desire to opt out to remove the "visible invisible" so to speak. Possibly a journey to self acceptance, maybe the inevitable sensation that complete self expression brings only suffering.

I am supposed to tell you why this image defines my life right now. I can only tell you how this image has always defined my life.

With a few tweaks there is something I would like to do. Which is to have this turned in to an "art brut" styled tattoo.

Any way back to my point. (Yes, I eventually have them. No really I promise if you don't see it, have your friends read this. Then discuss and then comment. Not really a shameless plug. I know none of you are real.) The bowler and suit, at one time a sign of an accomplished man. To be dressed well and have places to go. I used to never make an attempt at getting all dressed up and I had every where to be. Now I make the attempt and no place to go. Isn't that just a wonderful reversal of fortune.

The suit and tie, with a gun to my head... although it feels like a noose over my shoulder as I stroll into work. A non corporate identity being smashed into a perfectly square box. I won't leave because I am afraid, so I can take fear but don't give me insecurity. I have more than enough of that. (as if you couldn't tell)

The apple, hinting at religion? Just a convenient use of the fruit bowl? The concept that no matter the flavor we must contend with the pit; especially since apple seeds are toxic to the human system. Not that it is so large as to kill us but it exists.  Does the old parable over shadow who we really are or what we become? I think about this often.

Black and grey with only the most outlandish red tie. Simple, forward no nonsense then the blasted vision of passion. Of love and adventure worn brightly on his chest like a badge. Telling you this is me at my core and I am still too weak to follow through.

The gun here appears to be firmly placed at his head. I have always thought and constantly correct myself that it isn't meant to destroy the apple. Not that I have anything against religion. It is more the destruction of what prevents you from facing your existence and changing it. That apple while a great advantage and protection from many things is still a hindrance.

Finally Day 9 (OK half of 9. 4.5?)

Is this cheating probably since it is more of a caption than it is an image? It is so simple and as a practice, I have been spending more time choosing my words carefully and being mindful of their intent. I used to be that person who you couldn’t say “Hello” to without me plotting the inflection points and the pitch with which you said it. To determine the 13 or 14 possible meanings behind “Hello”, hell I still do it. The only difference is I do not spend my time obsessing over it with everyone. Now I reserve that instinct for the people who have a track record that would require it.

This is much more difficult to turn off than it may seem. I used to spend a million thoughts trying to please and find the perfect pitch for something and someone. I would sit and wrestle with it and what I knew of the person. So much time spent and effort exerted to be perfectly amiable and accepting for them and myself. In other words I tried too damn hard. I still do when I think someone is worth it. It is second nature really, to do those things.

Except it isn’t so much about them it is about myself, I self define by work. How I work, not so much what I do is where it comes from. I am amazed that people can completely skip the effort it takes to properly communicate in society today. There was a skill an art to speaking, conversation, courting and plain expression. We have become so informal that even expressing something simple and respectful of each other; has turned into another Ferris Wheel of lights and buzzers, just so that the person across from you can even see that it means something. Granted I am on the lyrical sometimes poetic part of verse with my words. I like to think that there isn’t a whole lot of room for interpretation if you are reading it through and thinking about it. That is the problem though a lot of us don’t, we start reading something and some gremlin, some version of self doubt or some old scar just starts to hurt. Which means we go from “OK let’s see what this is” to “Oh hell no! This MoFO!”

Even when I shoot from the gut I am telling the truth now. Although shooting from the gut makes me much more open to compromise. So it is good thing? (It must be that whole, “still trying to please people” aspect.) This is the thing we are all dealing with, life in our boxes and the shit we keep in our boxes is just that, shit. The worst part is that there are different kinds! Some runny, some thick, some of it just slick meanwhile it just coats everything. The good, the bad, the indifferent, so the good becomes either indifferent or slides all the way to bad when we are not mindful. The Indifferent may stay, just smelly and indifferent but it makes you uncomfortable. The bad, now the bad when becomes covered in the rest of that other crap it becomes horrid.

I'd like to think that a lot of people say exactly what they mean but it is more than my suspicion that prevents me from believing it. In the end none of us really know a damn thing about the person across from us. It boils down to how much we want and are able to care for them. So it is about caring caring about them about ourselves. Ultimately caring about expressing ourselves to that person. Realizing that they meant what they said one minute and knowing how to interpret what they are not saying the next.

I just hope it gets better for all of us. That we get better for ourselves.

Challenge day 10 >.>

Since I suck I will just jump to day ten, and give you a confession. I will post day 9 once I find the words.

Seriously the images are easy but explaining myself takes serious effort. Even though I rarely do explain myself this is my honest place. So I search for words with care and some weird obsessive love like anyone is reading this. Correction I write this like they are reading this. Sometimes.

So the confession is this,  no matter the person you've met, no matter how often you've seen me and know me. Some place deep down it's a Lie, but I'm ok with that; because we are all lying to each other. It keeps our weird out of touch society going. Some day we'll all come undone and not lie or hide a damn thing and I'll light up my last smoke and burn with it.

It's gonna be beautiful.

Challenge

Seriously still loading day 9

Day 9 Loa....

Still loading images please stand around maybe poke your nose  or what ever.

Day 7

4 turn offs.... Just 4?

Bad table manners.

Lazy dressers ( no sweats in public and Jesus fuck no uggs unless it's snowing. If you're cold eat some damn spinach.)

Bad communicators

The silent treatment.

Day 6

5 people who mean a lot to me in no particular order.

Momma! (seriously I'm Mexican... This is my Momma)

Rayita: my sister, patient, exasperated, supportive and tolerant sister.

Joe: broheim

Chino: my only blood sibling.

Vietmyknees: a constant inspiration.

Day 5

Six Things I wish I would never have done.

Do I prefer this? Spending so much wasted time, obsessing over how one thing lead to another. How an infinite amount of possibilities lead to this specific result. Then wondering how each possible variable would have changed each result in the most minute way.

In effect that is wasted time. I learned long ago that to carry and harbor those feelings for more than a few moments or instances was BULLSHIT. To say the least I blocked it all out called it shallow, pointless & became callous. With others and myself, obviously that was not good. So I now accept those moments as they are and learn. Make up and move on, rather quickly.

So this list will end up being things I have learned the most from.  (Again in no particular order and of no consequence)

Getting Fat. (AGAIN)

Drugs

Running away from my problems

Not allowing ex's to be ex's

Not forgiving others but especially myself

Not learning to and loving myself sooner.

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On my mind

Things to say to you, if only because I care and you should know and never forget others.

Care for yourself.

Then I draw a blank, I don't recall all the things in my mind, but that could just be a side effect. I will say, Thank You. Just for being yourself in all it's complexity and beauty. For being the catalyst to reignite a passion within me. I had turned so far away from my own words. That to find a voice, a passion, a muse was so strange. New and familiar at the same time.

All people are a gift in our lives, for whatever joy, pain or lessons they bring. The only thing that we are required to do is to keep working,  to keep hoping and dreaming. Most of all to keep communicating. If not with others with the universe even if all we can say is, "AAAAHHHHH! Quits, asshole. How do I fix/move past this?"

I have a wild urge, many times a day to reach out and communicate with you. All because of who you are and not entirely of what was or could have been. As a matter of fact the latter part of that is what keeps me away. You'll be one of my Deus Ex Machina moments. Treasured and in a constant state of awe and gratitude.

So many things are clearer once I am removed. Some things have come into my life to my life reminding me and directly relating to you. One that hit my system like a bolt can be read about here.

I'll probably write to you again but for now I feel much clearer.

Thank you.

Day 4...

7 things that cross my mind a lot.

In no particular order and of no exacting consequence.

I should be meditating, like now.

There is nothing like some good ol' ultraviolence right now.

What should I eat? Nothing, you need water. But, but... SALT! SUGAR! FAT!
ohhhk something smaaa...fuck that is a whole bag. Aaahhhhnnnd it's gone.

Damn, she's attractive.

I should skip dinner.

What should I listen to, but not Ska again. Oh hey The Toasters/Skatalites (insert 2tone/3rd wave band here) and or New Wave.

OK, what do I need to do today? Oh look at that, it's shiny! Squirrel!

3 the magic number

Day Tres... 8 ways to turn me on...

Seriously you are talking to fat kid. Bring bacon... No. Please. Don't. That's disgusting and only mildly erotic.

1) Music: Talk about it, listen for it, feel it, understand that it is a way to transcend every thing, place or time. It is a gateway to our primal selves.

2) Know something... anything, just freaking know it, all about it. Geek the hell out on something even if I don't understand or care too. Your passion for it will make me listen and get my attention.

3) Dance, even if it is poorly. Something will lead and something will follow just keep moving.

4) Details, I notice them I am consumed by them. I may be distracted at times but believe me I will be able to tell if you haven't kept up on certain things or even if you changed your eye shadow. I notice the most unnerving things.

5) Eyes, eye contact... just hold my stare/glance whatever just make connection.

6) Dress up, dress down, know how to dress. A well dressed woman is something to behold and dream about. Too often people get lazy and it is a shame. The world is a much better place without sweats, track suits, warm ups or any other lounge/active wear.

7) Laugh, wholeheartedly.

8) Be real, be honest and don't let secrets fester.

Challenge day 2

Well day 2 means 9 things about myself.

1) I am ridiculous. Translating that as to I will take anything to the point of it being ridiculous. Apologies, gestures of gratitude just about anything will be taken to the point of being obscene, absurd and ridiculous.

2) I am passionate. Mostly about being passionate. Ultimately about language and music then people.

3) I am humble-ish. I am full of myself and rightfully so but I will not ever discuss why or how I do things. If I am giving you my time, energy and effort, believe that I am making changes and adjustments to accommodate it. I don't need praise for showing up or need to tell you about how I moved my day back 2 hours so I could have coffee. 

4) Do not ever give me an ultimatum or try to guilt me into something. The results never are graceful or desired.

5) I live by the seat of my pants mostly.

6) I'm fairly handy at fixing things.  (even peoples :P)

7) I am slow to anger but once I'm there, give me lots of time to clear myself.

8) I am upfront about everything. (which is uncomfortable for a lot of people but it's just to be clear)

9) I am a smart ass. This is my biggest detriment, my mouth and instinct will start before I fully process something. I am working on it.

Day 1 "writing challenge"

Mi Chiquilla: If you took/take anything away from this experience. I hope it's this quote.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you NOT to be?

You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us: IT'S IN EVERYONE.

And as we let our own light shine.

We consciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear.

Our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson

You truly are an amazing and wonderful woman who deserves so much more than general contentment.

My sisters: Herr Doktor, Rayita, Death and Sparkles. You're the most important people in my life. There are 4 of you now and I cannot express the deep gratitude and love I have for your patience, understanding and love. I know I am not easily tolerated. (this counts as 4 people)

Mom: seriously I'll get better and I am working on it.

Dad: it's ok. I'm ok.

Vietmyknees: You have changed my life and attitude many times. Your endless hope in me is something I can never repay.

Suit: Seriously, I need classes thank you for your endless insight and faith.

Joe: anytime broheim, anytime. Call and I'm omw I cannot repay you ever.

10 days....

Directions by day:

Day One: 10 things you want to say to 10 different people right now.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).

Day Seven: Four turn-offs.

Day Eight: Three turn-ons.

Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

Day Ten: One confession.

This will be interesting. I'll start tonight.

I

I am... so many things. Of those things defeated is never an option. Moving on, maybe this will become far more fun again.

Also maybe I can put some effort into making this coherent and not about some random word vomit of spectral emotions. Jesus those suck. (ok not really, but really.)

Midnight anxiety

Nothing, or better no similar thing I've found rakes me over coals (hot, flaming, horrid coals) like uncertainty. Not knowing what something is will destroy me. I can accept many things and I can change or work towards infinite goals but when I'm left to dry alone. I die. What anyone would wish upon their enemies, the suffering, the agony. It is all here in my mind. No amount of physical pain compares to what slow grinding wheels reside in me.
I constantly quote "Pain is a requirement, suffering it's optional." so yes, I'm in pain. Yes, I am suffering. I am choosing it. I am actively hurting myself. I know better I can help myself and here I am. Is it pride? Is it... I'm still here still awake and those nagging, unending, sea of thoughts are reflecting things like a fun house mirror.
Some place is a harbour and I will find a light. The question will my pride drown me?

When I talk to you

I am writing for the time, for the time allotted, for the time in question, for the places and people of the things I have seen and really just to make some noise on this thing. I never learned how to have a quiet conversation. My words can be soft and at times very firm. So when I get to this place where I have this thing in front of me I become noisy, very, very noisy. It is a clatter, a clacking, a drumming and cacophony of sounds like the echoing silence in my mind. Here it manifests and comes together like a porridge of letters slightly unseasoned and very unsuitable for the palette just yet. There will be refinements, there will be time, well maybe there will be time. Mostly you just have to sop it down and move along with your life. Be accepting. Today I learned that I should resist nothing. That is a horrible lesson as I resists everything. My simple nature is to resist everything. Maybe because so much was about being accepting and being told what can and cannot be. I only wanted to make something and I still do. What I want to make will invariably change, because I no longer want to make these things with a you. I want to make those things with and for myself. If I only heeded words fostered upon me from what seems like ages ago. I could be a much better person. Not that I am bad but I am very much behind the curve of the person who spoke to me.

~~She no longer does.~~

That simple line is a quiet fitting. Hell, I think should I ever have a headstone that should be my epitaph. It should just read my info and then “SHE NO LONGER DOES”. Cryptic but true, poignant, soft and merciless. In my life she no longer does. Any of them or she, as the joke runs today "I am being exceptionally male". I am not in line with my inner goddess all I want is to be a man but there is such a fluid line for me. From what I am and are supposed to be, with how I was raised and what I have seen.

Point, point, point, there are lots of phrases that I have not told you about. The new her, only the things that make me sick with the illness. The things that churn my mind and heart into a large cauldron of word vomit. Not the words she inspires or the feelings that make me admire her, but only the things that drive me insane because I do not want to hold the insanity. I have been with her too long and she should be free and want to be rid of me.

No, the words of caring, the words of compassion, the moments where you opened yourself in some form of reviled openness and weakness. As if stating this is just bullshit, move along nothing to see here. It is just some bodies and pain, the exhibit is over there. Directing me and guiding me to something new, but I wanted to linger. I wanted to place a coin in their mouths to appease the dead man on the river. To hold its hand and tell them they'd be well. No, I am being moved along and some times things are very clear. A lot of times things are muddy and painful. I never wanted to see with this eye, because I only wanted to be me and that eye and those lessons were too much of them. So now I sit and draw things in my mind and realize, it isn't you any more it is some thing or someone else. I will/may never know who that person is and these things may never again be so personal; but I will try and I will err and I go, but not on some march or pain just to go because my ride is to... just. keep. going.

Post:

Tell you a story, I'll tell you what I see in the mirror. On days like these I find out I am looking way too hard. 

back..again.

I am not writing for you, I am only writing.

I cannot, better said we cannot define anything by what it isn't. We can eliminate all things piece by piece with little to no information until there is nothing left. I was once a person of nothings or of little things. I became so entrenched in those nothings that I find myself as nothing. I have no stories nothing new to say nothing to report the adventure has ended. Not for lack of desire although that is settling in nicely, it is for lack of mobility. I wanted so much in those times, I wanted so much to be done for myself and for others and for others through myself. I gave and gave and gave and then I took, I took, took and took from others. From people who had nothing to do with the things I gave, I don't know if I was giving to those. I only know it feels like I was left with a debt once again. This debt to others and not myself. I lay here another person, slightly broken and probably defeated, not to the end. I have not given up but I realize that there still isn't enough me in the space I inhabit to be a person. Do I need more space? Do I want more space, is there even a difference in the space that was? Could it be that the hollowness of it, is what is giving off this sense of grand emptiness? 

This is just another beginning.....